Most couples think their sex life is struggling because of hormones, kids, aging, or stress. But there’s something deeper going on—and once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
It’s a truth so obvious we can easily overlook it, overcomplicating the problem by looking for hidden causes or deeper-seated issues. But when it comes down to it, the basic fact of the matter is:
If sex consistently doesn’t feel amazing for someone, eventually they stop wanting to have it.
That’s it. That’s the Big Obvious Secret in Sex, aka the BOSS. It’s why your sex life has gone haywire.
While most couples I work with struggle with a “he wants more sex than she does” dynamic, the BOSS does not just plague women. We all lose interest in things that don’t feel good or that cause emotional or physical pain. If sex leaves you feeling anxious, pressured, unemt, or like a failure—of course, you stop wanting to have it. That is a normal response. That is a healthy response.
In most relationships, when one partner starts to want less sex the other starts to panic. The “low-desire” partner feels broken, guilty, or shut down. The “high-desire” partner feels rejected, confused, and increasingly frustrated.
But the truth is, most mismatched desire situations aren’t anyone’s fault. He’s not a bad lover and she doesn’t just need to try harder. The problem is how sex feels.
If sex doesn’t create energy but instead drains you, your body notices. If sex doesn’t give you pleasure, but gives you anxiety or guilt, resistance builds. If you’ve been taught to endure, perform, or selflessly give, your libido shuts down in self-protection.
What you’ve probably been told:
- Women lose interest in sex over time (hormones, kids, etc)
- Some people are just more “sexual” than others
- If you’re not doing it regularly, you’re relationship is in trouble
- If you can’t stay hard, blow her mind, and hit the jackpot every time, you’re a loser
What’s true:
- Your libido is responsive and has your best interests in mind—it’s not defective
- Performance-based sex leaves most people feeling distant and self-conscious, rather than curious and connected
- Most sex advice ignores what women’s bodies in particular need to feel turned on and satisfied (and I’m not just talking about orgasms)
You don’t need more tricks, lingerie, or scheduled date nights.
You need a new foundation for sexual contact—one where pleasure comes first, and pressure is removed.
When the BOSS isn’t running the show anymore…
You look forward to sex again.
Touch feels exciting, not stressful.
You laugh and play more in bed.
You feel close again—like lovers instead of roommates or business partners.
You both want it—and mean it.
When sex starts to feel genuinely good again and renews your energy and your love, you will hunt it down like that late-night pint of ice cream or those tickets to the playoffs. Because we want what feels good and makes our lives better. That’s the BOSS.