When couples tell me their bedroom has become a source of tension rather than connection, I ask them to think about the last time they had trouble falling asleep.
You know the feeling: lying there, mind racing, checking the clock, getting more frustrated by the minute. The harder you try to fall asleep, the more elusive it becomes. Your body gets tense, your thoughts spiral, and what should be natural and restorative turns into a battle of wills.
Now here’s my question:
What if I told you that’s exactly what’s happening to her libido?
The Thing You Can’t Force
You’ve never made yourself fall asleep. Not once. Sleep is what we call an involuntary response—it happens when conditions are right, but you can’t command it to occur.
Women’s sexual arousal works the same way. It’s not something she can decide to feel or manufacture on demand. Just like sleep, it emerges naturally when the right conditions are present—and disappears when they’re not.
But here’s where most couples get stuck: they try to approach women’s sexuality the way they approach voluntary activities.
Want sex → make moves → get sex.
This works for many things in life, but it’s the wrong instruction manual for involuntary responses.
What Kills Sleep (And Arousal)
Think about what makes it impossible to fall asleep:
- Pressure about timing (“I have to be up early!”)
- Anxiety about the outcome (“What if I can’t sleep?”)
- Environmental stress (noise, light, discomfort)
- Mental preoccupation (our unfinished to-do list)
These are the exact same things that kill women’s sexual response:
- Pressure about timing (“It’s been a week…”)
- Anxiety about performance (“What if I can’t get turned on or have an orgasm?”)
- Environmental stress (unlocked doors, crying kids)
- Mental preoccupation (work deadlines, household tasks)
What Creates Good Sleep (And Good Sex)
Now think about when sleep comes easily:
- Safe, comfortable environment
- No pressure about when it should happen
- Trust that your body knows what to do
- Permission to relax
These same conditions allow women’s desire to emerge naturally. When her nervous system feels safe enough to stop scanning for problems, authentic arousal has space to unfold.
Understanding this involuntary nature explains so much:
- Why she can want sex in the afternoon but feel turned off by evening
- Why pressure and pursuit often backfire
- Why “just relax” doesn’t work (you can’t will relaxation any more than you can will sleep)
- Why creating the right emotional conditions is more important than having the perfect technique
What This Means for Tonight
The woman who “never wants sex” often discovers she does want it—when the conditions are right for her nervous system to let go.
The man who feels constantly rejected realizes it’s not personal—she’s not rejecting him, she’s responding to conditions that make arousal impossible (just like lying awake all night with loud music blaring and the lights on—sleep isn’t going to happen).
And both partners learn that creating the right environment for desire is infinitely more effective than trying to manufacture it through pressure or technique.
Your bedroom can become a place of connection again. You just need to stop trying to force what can’t be controlled, and instead start creating the conditions where desire flourishes.
