“He never initiates the way I want him to.”
“She always seems annoyed when I try to be romantic.”
“He doesn’t understand how to touch me.”
“She never tells me what she actually wants.”
Sound familiar?
Most couples stuck in sexual frustration have become experts at one thing: describing what’s wrong with their partner. We can write dissertations on their flaws, catalog their mistakes, and predict their next disappointing move.
But here’s what I’ve discovered after years of working with couples and being in partnerships myself: becoming a master critic will never get you the love life you want.
The Complaint Trap
Complaints feel powerful because they’re so clear. He always does this, she never does that. Finally, someone is listening to how hard this is for you!
But complaints have a hidden cost: they keep you focused on what you don’t want instead of what you do want.
When you’re busy cataloging everything wrong, you’re not paying attention to what could feel right. When you’re explaining why their approach doesn’t work, you’re not discovering what approach might work.
Complaints make you a passenger in your own sex life, waiting for your partner to finally figure out how to drive you where you want to go.
The Revolutionary Question
Often, when we’ve been stuck in the complaint trap for so long, knowing what we want can feel impossible. We’re frustrated, lonely, and scared. Desire feels like a foreign country.
In these times, I offer a question that can serve as a bridge between where you are and where you want to be: what do you actually want to feel?
Not what you want them to stop doing. Not what they’re doing wrong. Not what you wish was different.
What do you want to feel in your sex life?
- Do you want to feel desired and appreciated?
- Do you want to feel relaxed and able to receive pleasure?
- Do you want to feel seen and understood?
- Do you want to feel turned on and alive in your body?
- Do you want to feel connected and intimate?
Why This Changes the Game
When you shift from complaint to desire, something magical happens: you become an active participant instead of a critic on the sidelines.
Instead of waiting for them to guess what you need, you start exploring what you actually want on your end of the equation.
Instead of explaining what doesn’t work, you start experimenting with what might.
Instead of being disappointed by their attempts, you start guiding the experience toward what could satisfy you.
What This Looks Like in Practice
From: “You always grab me too roughly.”
To: “I want to feel savored and appreciated. Would you touch me more slowly and tell me what you love about my body?”
From: “She never seems happy about sex. She’s always making excuses.”
To: “I want to feel wanted and desired in our marriage. What would help you feel more turned on and excited about connecting with me?”
See the difference? One approach creates defensiveness and distance. The other creates curiosity and possibility.
Your Desires Are Valid
Many of us have been taught that wanting things—especially sexual things—is selfish or demanding. We’ve learned to suppress our desires and focus on keeping the peace instead.
But here’s the truth: your desires are not the problem. Instead, they point towards the solution.
Your authentic desires are breadcrumbs leading you toward fulfillment. They’re your inner GPS pointing you toward what will actually nourish and satisfy you.
When you honor your desires and learn to express them skillfully, you give your partner and yourself something invaluable: a map to your satisfaction.
The Courage to Want
It takes courage to shift from complaining to desiring because desire is vulnerable. When you complain, you’re safe—you can’t be disappointed by something you’ve already decided won’t work.
But when you express what you actually want, you’re opening yourself to the possibility of getting it. And that’s scary because it’s also opening yourself to the possibility of not getting it.
But here’s what I know: the couples who break free from sexual frustration are the ones brave enough to want things and ask for them.
Where to Start
Tonight, instead of cataloging what’s not working, try this:
Complete this sentence: “What I want to feel is…”
Then follow up with: “Something that might help me feel that way is…”
You might be surprised by what comes up. You might discover desires you didn’t even know you had. And your partner might be relieved to finally have directions instead of criticism.
