When a couple tells me they’re struggling with sex—often because one person wants more and the other wants less—I don’t start by asking about positions or past trauma.
I ask the person who wants less sex this:
“How would you feel if I told you that tonight, you have to have sex with your partner?”
Nine times out of ten, the response is a mix of pressure, dread, tension, or hemming and hawing.
Then I ask:
“OK, how would you feel if I told you that tonight, you had to receive a foot rub from your partner?”
Suddenly, the whole room shifts. Laughter. Smiles. Even relief. “Oh, that actually sounds nice!”
And then I ask, in all seriousness:
“So what’s the difference to you between sex and a foot rub?”
And the answer tells me everything I need to know.
What is the difference?
It’s not about feet. And it’s not about touch. It’s about pleasure, pressure, performance, and expectations.
A foot rub has no goal. You don’t have to orgasm. You don’t have to get hard. You don’t have to make anything happen or feel performance anxiety. You just get to relax and enjoy yourself.
For many of us, the sex we’re having is not like that, and it’s stressing us out, whether we’re aware of it or not.
What the Foot Rub Test Reveals
If you’d rather get a foot rub than have sex, it’s highly likely that…
- Sex feels like a performance for you or your partner, where your value is being measured, as individuals and as a couple.
- There’s a timeline around sex. “How long do I have to keep this up?” or, “How long will I last?” or, “I don’t want to start what I can’t finish,” or, “We should have sex because it’s been a week.”
- There are pressures and expectations somewhere in your sexual life-cycle: during initiation, touching, oral sex, orgasm, penetration, emotional connection, etc. And that pressure point makes sex a high-stakes test instead of a relaxing, pleasurable experience.
- There’s a perception of a hidden cost: “This feels good… but what will I owe them after?” or, “I’m turned on, but what if my partner wants something I can’t give them?”
The result? Shut down. Guilt. Disconnection. Or you go through the motions, wondering why you feel farther away afterward than before.
Here’s What to Remember:
Your body isn’t broken. Your libido isn’t gone. Your relationship isn’t doomed.
You’ve just been handed a script for sex that’s full of pressure and low on pleasure.
- Pressure to do it right.
- Pressure to look hot.
- Pressure to be confident.
- Pressure to get hard and last for hours.
- Pressure to orgasm.
- Pressure, even, to want sex.
Every move becomes loaded. Every touch becomes a landmine. Every reach across the bed feels like a huge risk.
And here’s the problem:
Pressure is the #1 libido and arousal killer—whether it’s pressure from your partner, yourself, or social norms (which very few of us can ever measure up to). Pressure takes sex from a grand adventure to an item on your to-do list.
We want to check that to-do list sex box because we want to feel normal, we want to feel like a good partner, a good man or woman. But even the most sacred to-do list item can eventually feel like a chore, like something we should do or that we owe each other. This insidious, often subtle mindset can’t create the real connection we want with our partners and ourselves.
But sex that feels like a shared gift—like the foot rubs we actually want to give and receive—opens the door to the confidence and connection we crave and deserve to experience.